4 Feb

How to Calm Down an Angry Black Woman.

 Calming any angry woman is no easy task.  It does offer that rewarding feeling when you do.  Nothing like surviving Hurricane Katrina, but elements are still the same.    

 1.) Get Jesus!

 First thing you want to do is get Jesus involved.  Don’t say anything, don’t make any sudden moves, no facial expressions or hand gestures.  DO nod your head at everything she says.  It’s poker face and Jesus.  To summon him, you must use empathetic tones like:

 “Oh Jesus, we can’t allow this to happen.” 
“I know the good Lord wouldn’t have this.”
“It’s okay, we got Jesus on our side so everything will work out right.”
“What’s the number to the main line, we have to get Jesus a quick text message.”

 DO NOT under ANY circumstances raise your voice.  Even if there is a fire outside or a robbery in progress, always remain calm.  Jesus will get us through this, I promise. 

2.) Repeat and agree!

 Just keep nodding.  What ever she’s says next, repeat it like it’s a question or an agreed statement.  Even if it doesn’t make any literary sense what so ever, try to repeat every word verbatim. 

 “The car ran over your feets?”
“These ain’t your kids?”
“You’re right, ain’t no way this check is right.”
“You told him not to touch your snacks?”

 This does (2) things.  One, it let’s her know that you are listening.  You are on her side.  You are in that boat together.  Two, she’s not yelling anymore.  But if you have one of those sistas who says nothing and stares intently, get reinforcements!  And move quickly!  She’s a  STEALTH!  They’re deadly, not to be fucked with AT ALL!    See: Stealth (because these rules won’t work on them.)

 3.) Lie!

 Say this next phrase with passion and conviction, like your heart just knitted a sweater made of holy water, communion crackers, hay from a manger and the finest wool fresh from Nazareth.  Sing it like your freedom depends on it.  Your lunch break is 20mins, so get it right!

 “We’re going to make this right.”
“We’re going to fix this today.”

 It doesn’t matter what the problem is.  You can’t fix it!  Doesn’t matter!   Not today. Not tomorrow.  It doesn’t matter. *Kanye shrug*   Nothing matters! Those words just made her believe in you.  Right now you have on a super cape and can do no wrong.  But, don’t get too big in the head, you have one more step left. 

 4.) Now the Truth

You can safely remove her shoe from your ass, because she is ready to hear the truth.  And give it to her straight.  No artificial sweeteners.  At this point, let her know that in 2 days her shoes will be available for pick up.  And someone from the insurance company will contact her within 24-48 hours.  Did you fix her problem?  NO!  Maybe, yes.  *shrug* If you can’t fix it, please get someone who can.    

 Take a deep breath, you did it.  Give yourself a round of applause.  She’s calm and now you’re ready for the next angry Black woman.  Practice makes perfect!

The Stealth:

Ever heard of the stealth aircraft?  Silent, but deadly.  You will never see her coming.  But, we will walk you through it.  Step one:

 RUN!!  Find a supervisor and let them deal.  She is NOT to be fucked with, I say!  Alright, here are a FEW tips:

 Whatever you do, don’t mention Jesus.  She’s an atheist or a drug addict.  Either way, don’t look her in the eyes!   Move fast.  Whatever it takes to solve her issue, do it quickly.  Don’t lie… EVER!  If she catches you in a lie, it’s over.  Just slap yourself in the face, you deserve it.  When she stops rolling her eyes, this means she’s ready to listen.   Be confident, but in a calm tone.  Be upfront and firm, if it takes 3 weeks to solve her fucking problem, it  takes 3 fucking weeks to solve her fucking problem.  She won’t give you a smile, so don’t look for one.  The faster you solve her issue, the quicker you can start breathing again. 

Smile!

Grow Up!

15 Jun

Who wants to come home to this?

There is a growing population of grownups who refuse to uh…grow up!   I’ll be the first to admit, I love Disney movies, slinkies and practical jokes.  There’s a wonderful child in all of us who still gets excited at the sight of  cupcakes.  Yay! 

This is for the many minions who haven’t quite accepted adulthood and its evil companion; responsibility.  They live at home with Mama and Papa.  They pay rent when they feel like it.  They have no clue how valuable time is or the price of cigarettes for that matter.

At some point you have to look in the mirror and say, Okay, I’m going to be an adult at some time in my lifetime.  Although today may not be the day,  in the near future, I promise I will grow up.    This is an amazing step for you.  You should almost feel like opening a bill/invoice and actually reading the details! 

Everyday you should open yourself up to adulthood and take on new adult experience so that you will feel comfortable in you new adult shoes.  One day at a time is all it takes.  Writing and reading daily affirmations can also help wean you out of ordering a happy meal vs a home cooked meal.  Preferably one you prepared for yourself. 

It’s also important to say things like, I like being an adult, it makes feel like an adult.

Be accountable for you actions.  Don’t run away from problems.  You’re an adult for fuck sake.  Problems are inevitable.  Own them, make them your bitch.  Be the first to say, NO or Yes, I am an asshole and I’m not going to apologize for it. 

Make decisions!   If Yes or No is too difficult of a response, try Maybe, but I wouldn’t count on it.  Or-  Perhaps, if the vodka doesn’t run out.  Being honest is okay, even if it makes you look like a douche.  I’m sure your friends and colleagues already know your a dick.  So be an adult dick.

Now is the time to put childish things away and make room for bigger, better and more profound childish things.  Yay.